I am a work in progress....

I don't really even know where to begin. But I feel lead to share the journey of the past few days in my life. They were some of the lowest days of my life...no ones fault but my own. When I couldn't even see it, God was at work in amazing ways. By sharing my story, my desire is to give God the glory! He was at work in some amazing ways although I was resisting. Sunday I woke up feeling fine. But later started feeling very dizzy and off. We were already in town, so we decided to go in and get me checked out. Josh dropped me off at the hospital and stayed with all the kids. To make a long hospital story short, they decided to do am MRI of my brain to make sure nothing was going on. The doc was most certain that it was my ears, but said at problems at the back of the brain could mimic inner ear problems. Let me just say that never once did they even look in my ears. After a very long wait, they took me for the MRI. After they were done, they brought me back to the ER but didn't put me in a room. They left me out in the hall at the end of a hall. There were rooms open right next to where I was sitting in the hall with no privacy in a gown. The ER visit was a not so pleasant experience but that is not why I am writing. After about a two hour wait (at least it seemed that long) in the hall, the doctor came down to where I was at. With people standing around, the doctor proceeded to tell me that he was sorry to have to tell me such news especially around the holidays, but that there were abnormalities on the MRI and that I had MS. He said i needed to follow up with a neurologist ASAP. He then said they would get my discharge papers ready and I could go. That was it! five minutes later I was walking out of the ER with. A paper that had big black letters that said I had MS. I was in shock. All these other people and patients standing there. I left scared, confused, and with many questions. Satan knows my weaknesses, and it instantly began. Every thought crossed my mind, but more than anything, I couldn't let go of the fear of what would happen to my chidden. I didn't want them to suffer in any way. I didn't want them to watch me suffer. I didn't want them to resent me if one day I couldn't do everything I now do. You name it...and it crossed my mind. Not living anymore also crossed my mind. Let me mke it clear, I was not suicidal. But the thought of all that could be left me so overwhelmed that I couldn't think straight. I was in a horrible state....all because of myself. For the first time in my life, I realized what it was like to be paralyzed by fear. I KNOW/KNEW that God has my life in His hands. And His will for my life is perfect. And I also know that my children are His. I know and believe it all! Me in me flesh just couldn't hand it over to God completely. I was stuck. Paralyzed, unable to take that next step forward. And yes I did seek counsel. It took all I could to hold myself together. In the mean time, I was getting calls, emails, texts from many. Love, prayers, support, and more prayers. What I deserved was to be left to nothing. So thankful that God gives me far more than I deserve. The love and prayers that I received was almost overwhelming. Fast forward to Monday morning. I got on the computer and called every neurologist on our preferred provider list. I spent nearly an hour and a half calling. No one could see me before march. March!?!?! I couldn't wait that long. One of the places I had called said that they would talk to the doc and see what he said, but that it was unlikely they could see me sooner. I kept calling places. I got ahold of this one place that told me they had openings before March. I was thrilled! I jokingly said today would be a great day to come in. She then said, that they had two openings that day! At a neurologist, for a new patient, that is lost unheard of. God at work! I then thought better ask where I called being that I was paying no attention, just calling listing after listing. Her answer...was Swedish medical center. They have one of he best MS neurology departments in the country! And they were able to get me in the same day?!?!? Do you see God at work? I sure did. It was a mad rush to get copies of my scans from Harrison and make it to Seattle in time. The appointment went well overall. The doc said he was 99% sure that I did not he MS. He wanted to rescan my brain in a few months just to watch, but t this moment, he didn't see any true evidence of MS. W left there and I should he been rejoicing, but I was still struggling. We got home and there was a message on our home phone. That neurology place I had called earlier got the reports from Harrison, and the doc there wanted to see me as soon a possible!?!?! We got home too late to call them on Monday so I called them back Tuesday. They wanted to see me the next day which was Wednesday. And come to find out this doctor who wanted to see me is the head of the neuroscience center of Washington. Again, a new patient at one of the best and busiest neurology departments in the west, and they want to see me the next day!?!? He added me in at 5pm.....the end of his day after seeing all his other patients. Do you see God in this yet? We decided, against many peoples advice to go ahead and seek the second opinion at this second neurologist in Tacoma. This guy was amazing. Not because he told me what I was hoping to hear, but because he took the time to explain everything so clearly. We left there with no questions at all. He was excellent. He even took us to another room so he could show us and explain the scans in detail. There are two spots in my brain that are questionable as to their etiology. But, he said, it can not be MS that was causing my symptoms because the location of the "white spots" was not in the location that would cue dizziness. He went on to explain that the spots are old. If it were MS and I was having symptoms because of MS, there would be "active spots" which there are not. He also showed us that there is NO damage to my brain at all...the tissue around these white spots is completely normal undamaged. He said I could have had these "spots" for my whole life, or they could be the result of any head injury or trauma, or anything for that matter. My neurological exam was beyond perfect he said. He told us straight up that I do not have MS..that there is nothing that truly points to that. He was actually very surprised that the hospital would have given such a diagnosis. He said that we will rescan just to make sure there are no changes to those questionable areas, but for now everything looks fine. He said the dizziness is most likely because of inner ears. He explained why I couldn't even remotely have MS in much detail but I will spree you from that. He gave us facts and clarity. I left there finally feeling like I could take a deep breath. Everything was explained so clearly. And all praise to God everything looks ok right now. I feel fine. I feel very reassured now. I know I will probably experience moments of doubt, but I also know that God loes me and will help me and guide me. But as I look back, I was in a horrible state. I was at one of the lowest moments I have ever experienced. I am a work in progress. I am learning every day. This was a tought but very valuable experience. I KNOW it was not right of me. But with that said, when I was at my weakest, God still loved me and worked in amazing ways:
1)my husband was off all this week..so he was able to be here and be a rock for me...God knew I would need him.
2)I was able to get in as a new patient at two of the best and busiest neurology departments there are....in only two days! Almost unheard of! That was only God!
3)although I couldn't even approach God with anything but tears and and a plea for help ( I just had no words), more people than I will ever realize were praying for me. I would pray but I didn't even know what I needed. I would just sit there and sob and ask God to help me however he saw fit. I deserved nothing. But so many others were praying
4) the love and support that God allowed me to experience over these days was humbling for me. Calls, texts, messages, visits....God knew exactly what I needed when I had no idea. Thats God!
5) to be given serious diagnosis by a doctor only to have to top notch specialist both confirm that as an incorrect diagnosis..God!
6)that although I filed miserably, God still loves me
7)the best results possible. Again, tests God!
8)I will never look at my husband and kids the same again. Thank you God!
9)a quick but hard lesson to not take things for granted...life is so precious...thank you again God!
10)not sure I ever realized how much God truly loves me when I am sooooo undeserving. I am left humbled, in awe, grateful, overwhelmed, honored, so thankful, appreciative, oh my I could go on and on. When I had nothing and could do nothing but turn to God with few words, he came to me in amazing ways with love! I am so undeserving. We serve an amazing God who loves us dearly! And at my weakest, God carried me through such a valley...I stand amazed and humbled!