Nothing more than a sinner SAVED by grace....

(I wrote this just a couple days ago. To my friends and family......I never in my heart meant to deceive anyone....more than anything I believe I was deceiving myself and trying to justify within my heart. After counsel, my decision was not based off of feelings...it was based off of Gods word. Please accept my apology if over the years I have offended you in any way. I love you all!!!!)
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For the past several years I have fooled myself into believing I was a Christian. When I was truly lost. I can clearly recall the time when I thought I had gotten saved. It was during a jubilee/revival meeting. I remember during the invitation completely being convicted about my need for salvation. I knew I needed to be saved and I wanted to be saved, so I went forth during the invitation. I remember praying a salvation prayer at the pew with a bunch of other people. But looking back now, I did not have true repentance of my sins in my heart. I left that revival service not feeling any different than when I came in. But because I prayed that salvation prayer, I knew it was settled. But as the days, weeks, and even years went by, something still seemed to be missing.
Last year I decided to follow in baptism because I knew I was saved but had not been baptized after salvation. After all, I did go forward during that invitation. And I felt that maybe that was my stumbling block because I was not obeying in believers baptism. But after being baptized, the doubt still did not go away. I kept trying to justify the doubts.
I never had complete peace within my heart. I tried to talk myself into assurance of salvation. But the more my sinful heart kept trying to talk myself into knowing I was saved, God kept working!!! He never gave up on me. When my mind kept saying I was saved, my heart kept saying no. I knew I needed to get it settled, but my pride kept getting in the way.
I went to church the next Sunday fully aware of my convictions but still trying to justify them. Then Bro Bramblett stepped up to the pulpit and began to preach. He preached a salvation message. I listened very intently but could barely lift my head. I instantly knew all the doubts I had experienced were there for a reason. I knew at that moment I was not saved. I was lost!!! But I left church and headed toward home. Halfway home I felt completely worthless. I knew I was nothing but a filthy old rag (Isaiah 64:6). As much as I had tried to ignore the Lord, this time he did not allow that.
I called a very dear person to me and asked if we could meet sometime. I did not tell her at the time what was on my heart. I jus told her that I had some things I needed to get settled. We met up for tea and talked. I told her everything on my heart regarding my salvation and how I did not believe I was saved. She told me that no one could tell me whether I was lost or saved……only God could do that. But she did share with me some scriptures. It is then that I knew salvation is not just a prayer prayed. And that is what I was relying on. There had to be true repentance on my heart and a change (1John 2:4-5) and that had been missing all those years. But at that moment, I had repentance…
I KNEW AT THAT TIME I HAD TO SETTLE IT ONCE AND FOR ALL. With tears streaming down my face sitting outside that coffee shop on Friday May 30th around 830 pm, I asked the Lord into my heart and to forgive me of my sins. As I sat there and wept, I also thanked him for the sacrifice he made for a sinner like me. I felt like a burden was completely lifted. Never have I had such peace. I now know without a shadow of a doubt that if I were to die today I would go to heaven.
It took a lot of humility to admit I wasn’t saved. But I know the holy spirit kept bringing doubts into my heart so I would settle it. God never gave up on me………and I can say that I have complete peace. I am nothing more that a sinner saved by grace.
If there is anyone who is sitting like I was, it is not worth it. It is not worth just hoping and thinking you are saved…..because YOU CAN KNOW. Only God knows your heart…